The First of Many

Write hard and clear about what hurts - Ernest Hemingway

Timing is everything. So I am choosing to believe that although I have been sitting on this post for what seems like an excruciating amount of time, it is indeed, the right time. The hardest part about writing for me is feeling exposed. This fear has prevented me from doing what I feel is my calling for, well, more time than it should have been allowed. A few degrees, careers, and life choices later, here I am, unable to hide behind obligations, or responsibilities that I used before life changed for me. I've been set free if you will. Not that life hasn't given me a few challenges since then, that would be too easy. I have fought hard to be in this place.

I have dabbled in writing for many years. Always getting so far, and then running away. Do you ever feel you have so much to say, it simply bubbles in your body pushing to escape? I do. I usually squash it down, push hard as it simmers beneath the surface. This would surprise most people who know me. I am an extroverted introvert I guess. I am also my worst critic. I can say far worse things to myself than perhaps my worst enemy. I may be my only enemy. 

As much as I give outwardly, there is far more going on inwardly. Such as questioning. Always questioning. Trying to garner answers with as much reason as intuition. Hence the title of my blog. Excogitator: the need to comprehend fully.

What makes my voice any different than the voices that belong to everyone else? I'm not sure yet. I've always lived honestly, but very privately. I carry things with me, afraid, for many years, of being me. I think many people feel this way. I trust that a healthy sprinkle of questioning is good. Self-doubt, no. Questioning, yes.

I also believe in the universe. Cosmically, and divinely. Take from that what you will. I do know something to be true to my core. The harder you fight against the gentle nudge of life lessons, and signs, the more pronounced they become. We are always being guided. Intuition from our soul being. Guidance from the world around us. Until eventually we are pushed off the cliff where we were hovering, teetering on the edge of our true path.

The last couple years of my life has been tantamount to my pushing off the cliff. My life has changed in so many ways. It is truly bittersweet. Heartbreaking at times. Positively romantically beautiful in others.  If I had stayed as I was, where I was, when I was who I was then, I would not be where I am today. Seems obvious, but growth can be painful, and the reasons unclear as you fight your way through. For the growth, I am grateful. For everything else, I am respectful. Trusting of my path. At least in this moment. It is a struggle at times.

The Hemingway quote has been haunting me for quite some time, and showing itself to me repeatedly. A wink. A nudge. A push. Each time resonating stronger, until it vibrated. It is time. Come what may professionally. Let myself be exposed. Let people read what I have to say, and let them make of it what they will. I cannot, and do not, wish to control that anymore.

My posts, I surmise, will be a mixed bag, as that is me. A little of this, a little of that. Eclectic is a charming way to describe what shall be contained within the pages of my little space online. A place to be a bit more personal, as I continue to write my novel. A work in progress that has been in progress as long as I have pushed against the edge of the cliff.  Join me as I post my musings about life. As I chase this dream, and make it into a career. Does that count for positive affirmations? I hope so.

I'm just a girl whose life was turned around, and decided after much, excogitation, that I would follow this new path in front of me. Find out where I've been, and follow me to where I am going.

-EC