Mother's Day for the Grieving Heart

A day to honour what I had, what I lost, what I have, and what I hold closely in my heart

Mother's Day means so much more than flowers, brunch, and a nice card on that special sunday in May. It can be a day of great sadness, a day of remembering, a day of honouring, a day of first joys, or a day of great happiness surrounded by those you love. 

A mother is many things. A mother is the woman who carried you in her womb, a woman who grew you in her heart, or brought you in her home when you needed shelter, a mother is a figure in your life who raises you, comforts you, and gives you a love that is like no other. A love that can be truly unconditional. 

Like most big holidays, Mother's Day can bring much joy, or much pain. Not everyone is blessed with a loving mother. There are also mothers who mourn for the harrowing pain of losing a child, and women who yearn to be a mother. There are women who do not want children, but love giving that kind love to others. There is space for how you are feeling on Mother's Day. 

Mother's Day. It is a bittersweet day for me. Sadly, it is for many people I know as well. I am not alone in being in the place of happy and sad. My husband, and I both lost our mothers to long battles with cancer. We're wee motherless mongrels, I often jest, said in my best Liam Neeson voice from Love Actually. The truth is, I don't believe that for one minute. My mom watches over me more than she ever could have while she walked on earth. She sends me signs, she gently steers me, and she protects me with her love that feels like a warm celestial hug. 

Christmas was our favourite thing ever

Losing my Nanny two days after I lost my mom, was really, just a punch in the gut. I think Nanny knew she could follow Mom home. The battle was over, it was time for peace. They had a bond, different than I had with my mom, but it was still beautiful to see. My mother had unending patience for her mom. A quiet reverence for Millie Brown. When they were together, the laughs could be heard all the way down the road at my cousin Sandra's. When I was really little, we'd go to visit my Nanny Brown. They'd stay up late, drinking tea, and talking about everything under the sun. I could hear them from the top of the stairs. I'd listen to their banter, back and forth. The love was profound. They were two women who played a major role in who I am today. I miss them both dearly. Sometimes when I drink tea now, I stick my nose in my cup, and breath it in deeply, so it settles in my lungs. It brings me back to those women, and it brings me great comfort.

It brings me peace, and gratitude to know that my mom was truly an amazing woman. She was a life force, a booming laugh, a kind heart, and she just gave off the loveliest good vibes. I was lucky, I still AM lucky. I would not trade the almost 34 years of the mother-daughter relationship we had for any other.

She was my best friend. In an interview with Good Housekeeping, Mindy Kaling spoke to how her mother was her soulmate. I can appreciate that, because I believe soulmates are not just reserved for romantic love. We can have many soulmates in a lifetime. If you broaden the idea of soulmate to mean that spark of kinship between two people where your soul acknowledges the other person. Anyone who does yoga, and even those who do not, are familiar with the greeting of Namaste. Namaste is a Sanskrit word, that essentially means that you are bowing to the divine in you (the other person), and practiced in Hinduism, it means you are reflecting that the divine, and the self, soul, is the same in you, and me. The soul self, it's pretty powerful stuff. The soul connects to the mind, and to the heart. 

The question as to what to do on Mother's Day when you are grieving is complicated. I like to honour my mother, and now my husband's mother as well. I often think the best way is to spend the day doing something they love, but then I realize that will be full of other families spend the day with their mothers. There is always the option to hole up, and that definitely falls under the umbrella of self-care. A day of spending it away from the world. Keeping your sadness inside, quite literally. That can also be very lonely if you are on your own. If you can, spending it with those who also loved that person can be wonderful. Everyone shares memories, and stories, it helps to know others miss, and still love that person too.

There is comfort in times being around people who know loss, the idea of the recognition in souls. I believe one grieving heart always recognizes another. When someone you love dies you find yourself in a club you never asked to join. There are spoken, and unspoken things, you now understand, that you never could have imagined before. Life after death for the living always means you've changed. Not all of it is for the worse. There is beautiful growth that comes from loss as well, though, truth be told, it can sometimes take years to see it through dry eyes. 

My mom will always be my role model.  She had a strength I wish I could harness, as it would produce the power of a 1000 person strong army. I felt weak in her resilience. Watching her battle a disease that kept chipping away at her soul, her body, and her will. Until the bitter end she did not give up hope, did not want to give up fighting. She was not ready to die. I was by her side through all of this, a choice I can never regret. Through the treatments, through the bad days, and through the good days. There are painful, harrowing memories, especially near the end, but more so, there is love. There is that love I now feel in a strong breeze, or the warm sun against my bones, or in hearing her favourite songs. It is the little things in which I find her love now. 

The truth about grief is, is never gets better, it just gets easier. You just learn to keep going until that becomes your new normal. You learn that soon the good days will be more than the bad days. And soon the bad days, can be bad moments. Grief is a thief that hides in the shadows, that attacks unexpectedly. It stops you in your tracks and reminds you of what you once had, what you once felt, and what you once experienced. Those moments can be hard. Often in the every day, like when you want to call up your mom for life advice, when your mom is there in spirit, but not in person, for your wedding day, when you realize your mom will not be there in any tangible sense for any big life event, good or bad, from there on out for the rest of your life.

That said, grief does not always have to steal your joy. I feel my mom's undying love when I decorate, or bake for Christmas. I feel it on long walks on a chilly day. I feel her when the ocean tickles my toes as I walk along a beach at sunset. I sing along with her when her favourite songs play. It reminds me of yes, what I lost, but also of the incredible woman I call my mother. I was, and am so lucky. I have immense gratitude that the stars aligned for Jane Stillwell to be my mom. My heart swells with pride when people comment I remind them of my mom, because there is no higher compliment for me. I hear that I look so much like her, and that makes me smile. When I hear I am so much like her, that makes my heart burst. If I can make people feel that way my mom did, than I am blessed. 

So on Mother's Day, I feel my grief, I allow it to wash over me, and sit with me for a while. I also celebrate Jane, my mom, for the many, many years she walked this earth as a woman, and a mother. I feel love when I see all the wonderful pictures on social media of babies, and children, and mothers, and grown children, and fathers, and any family celebrated this Sunday. Family is love. Family is not reserved for those that are blood. Family is Namaste. The recognition of souls that wish to be a tribe.

Top: Mom    Bottom L to R: Jason, Me, and Geoff

The head of my tribe was my mom. Always will be, no doubt. She leads from the stars now. And for that, I have immense gratitude. 

Mom: my biggest fan

Happy Mother's Day Mom,

Love you, a bushel and a peck,

Emily