Life in the time of Corona

When best laid plans fall apart

Quarantine, self-isolating, social distancing, and physical distancing. 

We keep hearing these terms on repeat. It's all many of us can talk about. It's all over the news. Ubiquitous on social media. In a matter of months, the world has come to a grinding halt. Half of us have found out we're non-essential workers. The true essential workers leave their homes every day to serve the greater good with critical services as: healthcare, social services, supply chains, deliver goods, food services, and keeping the city lights on, the toilets flowing (with or without toilet paper), fresh water coming into our taps, and keeping the garbage from piling as high as the skyscrapers.

I've consumed plenty of articles, and posts about COVID19. The socio-economics, the science behind it, the science trying to cure it, the impact on healthcare, the physical and mental toll,  and the importance of strong, and good leadership.

It's overwhelming. It's a barrage of information. For me, there is a fine line between being informed and empowered, and fear, and panic.

I find myself walking across this impossibly thin wire every day, teetering and swaying.

Fear. The fear is here. 

It sleeps curled up on the end of my bed. It sits next to me while I write. It dances around me, mocking my anxiety, as I leave the safety of my condo whenever I need to venture outside the home  for food, or medicine, or a walk (when I'm feeling brave). It leans on the breakfast bar, sniggering at me while I wipe down a bag of rice with a disinfectant wipe. It holds the towel for me, like a bathroom attendant, as I repeatedly wash my hands until they flake and bleed.

Fear, shame and guilt. They are the trifecta of monstrous foes that I fight on a daily basis. Right now, fear is leading the charge. Stealing joy, and creativity, stealing the plans I had now, and threatening the ones I've laid for down the road. Right now, I'm living in the moment. The exact moment. There is no out manoeuvring this fear like a game of chess.

There are only tools: meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, medication, sitting out on my balcony, writing it out, projects, cleaning, baking, reading, connecting with my partner, music, ASMR videos, and reaching out to friends.

There is also coping: eating, sleeping, crying, mindless TV watching

All are okay. All are valid. 

Quite honestly, not just because I'm an introvert, but more so because I've been working from home for a few years now, all while battling chronic illness/migraines - I've become quite comfortable with solitude, doing things at a difference pace, waiting on circumstances you can't control to move (inch) forward again, self-isolation, and having different expectations about life. That isn't to say that I'm happy to be inside 24/7. No. I miss long walks, I miss seeing friends, I miss coffee shops, I miss exploring, and adventures with my husband. I have learned over the years how to celebrate the good days, and the good moments.

I am more than aware of the good right now. I have immense gratitude. I have a home, I have my husband here with me, we have our kitty, we have food, a balcony, healthcare, health insurance, I can still write, and my husband has his job.

For me, the biggest fear is the virus. And how it is kicking up my anxiety. No matter how many steps I take to protect myself, and my husband (we are both in the high-risk group), I know I can't guarantee our safety. Whether it is, be it a flip of the coin by the gods, fate, angels watching over me, an answered prayer to God, I know I take all the precautions I humanly can, but it's still, at the end of the day out of my hands. My anxiety knows this. The lack of control is alarming.

My heartbreaks every time I read a story about someone dying from this virus. Alone. It brings me to tears. It is not something you'd wish even on an enemy. No one wants that.

Some people are still breaking the rules. Some are misinformed. Others simply don't care. Some see themselves as invincible, and don't care about the vulnerable, or the essential workers risking their lives. This pandemic is an entire crash course on ethics, and philosophy. Chidi Anagonye from The Good Place would have so much to say about all of this.

I've always tried to live my life doing good. Living for the greater good.  Of course, I'm human, and I've failed, but right now I'm doing the best I can, and it's so incredibly frustrating to see there are so many selfish people in my city, in my province, country, and the world.

Still, I feel lucky. Despite the fear. The dread. There is hope. There is good. I'm not alone in this. I see stories of people giving back, caring for others, or others putting their own life on the line doing their jobs that protect us. It is beautiful.

Like the gorgeous spring we're all watching from behind glass. I can see the flowers poking through the winter soil, I can see the colours returning. If we weather this, we too can return to living a good life. I hope we do with such gratitude, and thankfulness.

I have no doubt that things have changed forever. Life will not return to what it was, and it will become something a little more damaged. That's okay though.  In our collective grief, there is always the opportunity to embrace what is. We can come out of this kinder, and more giving as collective.

Perhaps the world will have more empathy. It is evident to see which corporations are people led, versus being solely money driven. We should remember this. I hope we will give more recognition, pay, and benefits to the people who are keeping us fed, cared for, and literally saving lives. So many people are out of work right now. Many have shut their businesses. Hoping it is temporary.

There is no going back to before, there is only forward. The economy will improve in time. Our wounds will heal.

We may feel fragile now. But I also see such incredible strength. I see it in the teachers relearning how to do their jobs, I see it in healthcare workers risking their lives, I see it in parents trying to work from home while looking after their kids, I see it in people who live alone and self-isolating, I see it in restaurants reaching out to their community, and local food banks.

I see it in people just trying to get by in dire circumstances.

As a global crisis, I for one, am glad that we are all working together to solve this pandemic. Wars are also global. Instead of an arms race, we have a race for treatment, and a vaccine.

I've been journalling, but I also wanted to share my thoughts today on my blog. If to only let people know they are not alone. The anxiety, the fear, the panic attacks, the worrying about the future, money, jobs, health, food. The trouble trying to sleep. The guilt you feeling that are not being productive enough. Whatever it is that is troubling you. It's okay to cry. It is okay to be angry. It's okay to feel cheated.

As long as you can also remember:

You are. Just be. Just breathe. Just take it one deep inhale at a time. The gift of a deep breath is not something to take for granted right now.

It's also okay to have hope. We don't know when we're coming out of this pandemic, but we will. Together. It's also okay to laugh, and feel joy.

All we can do it take care of one another. The beauty of this modern age is we can still be connected. That connection will keep us going.

And even taking it one moment at a time - you can still make plans. It's okay. That's part of hope for the future. We don't know what's coming over the horizon, but I'm trying to imagine that it is good.

If you feel lost right now, and unsure of what comes next. Even in the thick of things, we can find the way out if we just follow the light.