When impending doom is all in your head
I knew the subject of my next post the moment I published my last. It is something I have dealt with my entire life, however, without an official diagnosis until around 5 years ago. I guess I just thought it was normal to feel that way I did sometimes. When I mentioned I had more anxiety than I'd like to admit, I knew this was a topic I could not shy away from in my blog. Even if it hurt, because if I can reassure just one person that they are not alone in what can seem like an underwater world, it is worth feeling this vulnerable. Anxiety to me feels like reality muffled by that feeling of drowning, immersed, and distant from your surroundings. There are many of us submerged together. So many.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder. Something I have tried very hard to hide.
Feeling anxious, or nervous about a presentation, or big game, a special day, a test, or a date is completely normal. First time jitters are normal. Being paralyzed by anxiety is not. Anxiety Disorders can stop you from living your life.
It was always there, humming in the background for me. I remember being in university writing exams. If my exam was at 9 am, I'd need to arrive by 7:30 latest. I would have already looked up the building, mapped it out, where I would park. How much is parking? Where are the bathrooms in the building? I'd sit alone in the hallway. I'd already gone to the bathroom twice. People would start showing up an hour after me. I'd bring 3 pencils, and 5 or more pens. Pens of different colours. Just in case it needed to be black, or blue. Most of my exams were expository, rather than multiple choice, but I brought pencils just in case. I'd bring tissue in case my nose started to run. A cough lozenge in case I suddenly developed a cough. A water bottle. Just in case. Always, just in case. I'd write down the exam time and room, and check it five times to make sure I was in the right spot. The wave of anxiety I would feel when they would open the door to let the students in to find a seat. Buzzing the entire time I was writing the exam. Rushing against the clock.
The White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland is a great literary example of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Flustered, racing against the clock. Elsa from Disney's Frozen represents not only anxiety, but panic attacks. Her anxiety manifests in her powers. You feel frozen in fear with panic attacks. The feeling of impending doom, and worrying about every little detail that other people do not even consider. It is the negative side of being an excogitator. It keeps me organized, creative, thoughtful, and detail oriented. It also overwhelms me, and can be all consuming.
Mental health awareness has gained traction recently. Finally we are openly discussing illnesses that were usually talked about quietly, and often negatively. People who experience mental health issues certainly do not want to be victim to the grip it may have on them. It can be debilitating.
I overanalyze everything, often tailspinning down a non-logical line of thinking that seems so real. Things are often perceived, rather than fact. That said, I do consider myself to be very intuitive. Quite intuitive actually. So it can be very confusing at times. I check myself now, and ask: is this fear based? Anxiety driven? or intuition?
Anxiety was always a gentle hum for me in my every day life. Even as a child. I didn't realize it was anxiety, but it was there. Sometimes the gentle hum gets louder, and louder, until it is deafening. That is always scary. That requires talking myself down off an imaginary ledge, so not to step into the deep abyss of panic. You want to stop it, you don't even always understand why you are feeling anxious. Sometimes, you cannot stop it, sometimes there is nothing you can do. It is a lonely, and internal struggle. It is mentally painful, and exhausting.
I'd experienced mild panic attacks throughout the years. This past summer, however, I experienced full blown panic attacks. I am not someone who goes to the doctor for every little thing. I probably should go more than I do, but, you know, anxiety.
I was under a lot of stress, and unlike the times I dealt with really bad stress from life events, and situations, and people, I was happy. I really wasn't paying attention to my body. I shouldn't feel so anxious, I thought. But I did, and it kept getting worse. How can I be so anxious when these are positive life choices? Looking back, I see that I was under a great deal of stress, working through major life changes. I should have been kinder to myself.
The first time I stepped into the abyss of panic, I thought I was having a heart attack. I was at a friend's house when it started. I really wasn't in a stressful situation. It started bubbling up slowly. By the time I got home, and yes, I drove myself home, I was terrified. Afraid I was going to die. I was hot, oh so hot, burning up. The fear that something catastrophic was going to happen to me was unreal. My heart started palpitating, my blood pressure shot through the roof. I could barely breathe. It felt like an asthma attack. Then, the catalyst for full blown panic, my left arm started to tingle, and feel numb. My husband was already in Bermuda, so I was alone. I called a good friend, and no, not an ambulance, because anxiety. My friend immediately took me to the ER. I was crying, and I was shaking.
When they took my blood pressure upon arrival, I almost threw up. It was high. It was scary high. My friend assured me I was fine, but afterwards she told me she was scared when she saw my reading. It was beyond stroke level.
Luckily, I had a wonderful care team at the hospital. The doctor kindly, using a series of questions, tests, and examinations, worked through if it was a migraine (a condition I also suffer from), a cardiac event, or a panic attack. In all my years of having anxiety, I never imagined a panic attack feeling this severe. It did not even cross my mind that is what was happening. Usually I felt like the White Rabbit. Frazzled, and frantic. Not as if my body was going to completely shut down.
I remember him asking me – what are you most afraid of right now?
I didn't skip a beat. Dying, I said. Right now, dying of a heart attack, and never seeing my husband again, and losing this happiness I've finally found.
He smiled gently, you are not having a heart attack he said. He was very gentle, and soothing. After a series of tests, and a long time in a hospital bed, I was released. I was exhausted. It was a severe panic attack.
It was not the last one I felt. My family doctor and I came up with a short term, and long term plan for me. Short term, quite frankly, I needed to be sedated. I needed to slow everything down so I didn't implode. It worked. I survived because I was sedated. I'm lucky in that I've been able to wean myself off of the drug I was on, and at first there was rebound anxiety, but thankfully, I feel like me again. I still have my gentle hum of occasional anxiety, but it is not paralyzing. I have options for when my anxiety becomes too much. I don't mind the gentle hum, and I am better now at being able to calm myself naturally. I still have anxiety, and I always will. I will always overthink things, and that is okay. Part of it is good. It is part of my character, but it does not define me. Luckily, it does not consume me right now as it has in the past.
This is not easy to profess. This is not easy to commit in writing. I am doing so with purpose. People need to know they are not alone. It is quite staggering when you find out how many of your loved ones, acquaintances, or even colleagues also battle Anxiety Disorders. I know I have those that do in my circle of loved ones, and I know they are some of the kindest, and empathetic people I know. I do believe anxiety is often coupled with having a great deal of empathy. Of understanding the nuances of human actions, and behaviour.
I know, however, there are so many factors as to why someone has anxiety, and I am not simplifying those reasons. I know the more open we are the better. In doing so, the more we realize there are so many children, and adults with anxiety, high-functioning, hiding it the best they can every single day. This is a dialogue we need to have, to study it more, understand it more, and at the very least, so that people know they are not alone. It is okay to be who you are, it is okay to need treatment, or need time to recover, it is okay to heal, and feel strong. It is okay to relapse. We are not required to be perfect, or to be "okay" all the time.
As the late Leonard Cohen beautifully said, "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in".
Love yourself, unconditionally. Even where you feel cracked, and broken.
Please join me in this three part series. Next time I will discuss handling anxiety, and in the final post I will discuss how you can support a loved one with anxiety.
*Please note this is a personal blog, and the opinions expressed are based on my experiences. They are not a substitute for professional medical help.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder. Something I have tried very hard to hide.
Feeling anxious, or nervous about a presentation, or big game, a special day, a test, or a date is completely normal. First time jitters are normal. Being paralyzed by anxiety is not. Anxiety Disorders can stop you from living your life.
It was always there, humming in the background for me. I remember being in university writing exams. If my exam was at 9 am, I'd need to arrive by 7:30 latest. I would have already looked up the building, mapped it out, where I would park. How much is parking? Where are the bathrooms in the building? I'd sit alone in the hallway. I'd already gone to the bathroom twice. People would start showing up an hour after me. I'd bring 3 pencils, and 5 or more pens. Pens of different colours. Just in case it needed to be black, or blue. Most of my exams were expository, rather than multiple choice, but I brought pencils just in case. I'd bring tissue in case my nose started to run. A cough lozenge in case I suddenly developed a cough. A water bottle. Just in case. Always, just in case. I'd write down the exam time and room, and check it five times to make sure I was in the right spot. The wave of anxiety I would feel when they would open the door to let the students in to find a seat. Buzzing the entire time I was writing the exam. Rushing against the clock.
The White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland is a great literary example of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Flustered, racing against the clock. Elsa from Disney's Frozen represents not only anxiety, but panic attacks. Her anxiety manifests in her powers. You feel frozen in fear with panic attacks. The feeling of impending doom, and worrying about every little detail that other people do not even consider. It is the negative side of being an excogitator. It keeps me organized, creative, thoughtful, and detail oriented. It also overwhelms me, and can be all consuming.
Mental health awareness has gained traction recently. Finally we are openly discussing illnesses that were usually talked about quietly, and often negatively. People who experience mental health issues certainly do not want to be victim to the grip it may have on them. It can be debilitating.
I overanalyze everything, often tailspinning down a non-logical line of thinking that seems so real. Things are often perceived, rather than fact. That said, I do consider myself to be very intuitive. Quite intuitive actually. So it can be very confusing at times. I check myself now, and ask: is this fear based? Anxiety driven? or intuition?
Anxiety was always a gentle hum for me in my every day life. Even as a child. I didn't realize it was anxiety, but it was there. Sometimes the gentle hum gets louder, and louder, until it is deafening. That is always scary. That requires talking myself down off an imaginary ledge, so not to step into the deep abyss of panic. You want to stop it, you don't even always understand why you are feeling anxious. Sometimes, you cannot stop it, sometimes there is nothing you can do. It is a lonely, and internal struggle. It is mentally painful, and exhausting.
I'd experienced mild panic attacks throughout the years. This past summer, however, I experienced full blown panic attacks. I am not someone who goes to the doctor for every little thing. I probably should go more than I do, but, you know, anxiety.
I was under a lot of stress, and unlike the times I dealt with really bad stress from life events, and situations, and people, I was happy. I really wasn't paying attention to my body. I shouldn't feel so anxious, I thought. But I did, and it kept getting worse. How can I be so anxious when these are positive life choices? Looking back, I see that I was under a great deal of stress, working through major life changes. I should have been kinder to myself.
The first time I stepped into the abyss of panic, I thought I was having a heart attack. I was at a friend's house when it started. I really wasn't in a stressful situation. It started bubbling up slowly. By the time I got home, and yes, I drove myself home, I was terrified. Afraid I was going to die. I was hot, oh so hot, burning up. The fear that something catastrophic was going to happen to me was unreal. My heart started palpitating, my blood pressure shot through the roof. I could barely breathe. It felt like an asthma attack. Then, the catalyst for full blown panic, my left arm started to tingle, and feel numb. My husband was already in Bermuda, so I was alone. I called a good friend, and no, not an ambulance, because anxiety. My friend immediately took me to the ER. I was crying, and I was shaking.
When they took my blood pressure upon arrival, I almost threw up. It was high. It was scary high. My friend assured me I was fine, but afterwards she told me she was scared when she saw my reading. It was beyond stroke level.
Luckily, I had a wonderful care team at the hospital. The doctor kindly, using a series of questions, tests, and examinations, worked through if it was a migraine (a condition I also suffer from), a cardiac event, or a panic attack. In all my years of having anxiety, I never imagined a panic attack feeling this severe. It did not even cross my mind that is what was happening. Usually I felt like the White Rabbit. Frazzled, and frantic. Not as if my body was going to completely shut down.
I remember him asking me – what are you most afraid of right now?
I didn't skip a beat. Dying, I said. Right now, dying of a heart attack, and never seeing my husband again, and losing this happiness I've finally found.
He smiled gently, you are not having a heart attack he said. He was very gentle, and soothing. After a series of tests, and a long time in a hospital bed, I was released. I was exhausted. It was a severe panic attack.
It was not the last one I felt. My family doctor and I came up with a short term, and long term plan for me. Short term, quite frankly, I needed to be sedated. I needed to slow everything down so I didn't implode. It worked. I survived because I was sedated. I'm lucky in that I've been able to wean myself off of the drug I was on, and at first there was rebound anxiety, but thankfully, I feel like me again. I still have my gentle hum of occasional anxiety, but it is not paralyzing. I have options for when my anxiety becomes too much. I don't mind the gentle hum, and I am better now at being able to calm myself naturally. I still have anxiety, and I always will. I will always overthink things, and that is okay. Part of it is good. It is part of my character, but it does not define me. Luckily, it does not consume me right now as it has in the past.
This is not easy to profess. This is not easy to commit in writing. I am doing so with purpose. People need to know they are not alone. It is quite staggering when you find out how many of your loved ones, acquaintances, or even colleagues also battle Anxiety Disorders. I know I have those that do in my circle of loved ones, and I know they are some of the kindest, and empathetic people I know. I do believe anxiety is often coupled with having a great deal of empathy. Of understanding the nuances of human actions, and behaviour.
I know, however, there are so many factors as to why someone has anxiety, and I am not simplifying those reasons. I know the more open we are the better. In doing so, the more we realize there are so many children, and adults with anxiety, high-functioning, hiding it the best they can every single day. This is a dialogue we need to have, to study it more, understand it more, and at the very least, so that people know they are not alone. It is okay to be who you are, it is okay to need treatment, or need time to recover, it is okay to heal, and feel strong. It is okay to relapse. We are not required to be perfect, or to be "okay" all the time.
As the late Leonard Cohen beautifully said, "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in".
Love yourself, unconditionally. Even where you feel cracked, and broken.
Please join me in this three part series. Next time I will discuss handling anxiety, and in the final post I will discuss how you can support a loved one with anxiety.
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| There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen |
*Please note this is a personal blog, and the opinions expressed are based on my experiences. They are not a substitute for professional medical help.
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