Please be patient with me...
as my anxiety makes a strange bedfellow
I've posted twice before about anxiety; I've given my personal account, and how to cope with anxiety from a holistic point of view. In my third, and final post in the series I will speak to how you, as the loved one, can support someone with anxiety, and/or panic disorder.
In my last post I discussed how to identify anxiety, and panic attacks. This information would be useful to read first, before we delve into how to care for someone with anxiety.
If you are here, reading this post because you want to support someone you love who has anxiety: thank you. It shows care, and love for that person. Caring enough to be present in their journey means the world to the person we love with an anxiety disorder. This can be any kind of relationship; child, parent, partner, spouse, friend, colleague, sibling. If you have anxiety it might be useful to share this article, or similar articles, with those who are important in your life.
Let's start. For me, there are two main categories here: those who are aware they have an anxiety disorder, and those who are unaware of their anxiety. There is a lot of overlapping information for both, but I have tried to divide them into what I feel corresponds best to the group. There are a lot of people who go undiagnosed, and may struggle more with their disorder, which is why it is important for all parties to understand enough to encourage self-awareness.
If you think someone in your life has anxiety, and/or panic disorder, I would suggest approaching the person with tact, and love. If you approach the subject by embarrassing the person, or making them feel badly, the chances are it will make them feel more anxious, and they may not be willing to listen to what you have to say. More so, they may not feel safe having you as their confidant.
A dialogue around why they feel, or act the way they do, is more productive than saying statements of shame that will shut down a person.
Examples of shame inducing statements:
In my last post I discussed how to identify anxiety, and panic attacks. This information would be useful to read first, before we delve into how to care for someone with anxiety.
If you are here, reading this post because you want to support someone you love who has anxiety: thank you. It shows care, and love for that person. Caring enough to be present in their journey means the world to the person we love with an anxiety disorder. This can be any kind of relationship; child, parent, partner, spouse, friend, colleague, sibling. If you have anxiety it might be useful to share this article, or similar articles, with those who are important in your life.
Let's start. For me, there are two main categories here: those who are aware they have an anxiety disorder, and those who are unaware of their anxiety. There is a lot of overlapping information for both, but I have tried to divide them into what I feel corresponds best to the group. There are a lot of people who go undiagnosed, and may struggle more with their disorder, which is why it is important for all parties to understand enough to encourage self-awareness.
How to help
If they are unaware
If someone has anxiety, and/or panic disorder that has not yet been identified, it can be very discouraging, and frustrating. Seemingly irrational physical, and mental reactions to everyday life can be confusing for not only the person experiencing the symptoms, but also those around them.If you think someone in your life has anxiety, and/or panic disorder, I would suggest approaching the person with tact, and love. If you approach the subject by embarrassing the person, or making them feel badly, the chances are it will make them feel more anxious, and they may not be willing to listen to what you have to say. More so, they may not feel safe having you as their confidant.
A dialogue around why they feel, or act the way they do, is more productive than saying statements of shame that will shut down a person.
Examples of shame inducing statements:
- It annoys me when you do this...
- I hate when you overreact about...
- Can't you see it's not all that bad?
- It's all in your head.
- Stop acting irrationally.
- You are too much to handle right now.
- You should seek help.
- You are crazy/sound crazy.
- Calm down.
- I feel hurt/scared/sad/confused when you react this way. I wish to understand why.
- Tell me how this situation makes you feel so scared/nervous/anxious, etc.
- I want you to know you are not in danger, and you are safe. I am here to listen.
- I know it feels like your thoughts are true, and the worst is going to happen. Why don't we talk this through so I can help ground you.
- I'm sorry to know this is going on inside your head, please know I am here to listen without judgement.
- I wish to help you, but I feel we both need to step back from this right now, and breathe.
- I want to help you, and if you feel you wish to speak to a professional who is more qualified than I am to help, please know I will walk that journey with you.
- I am here for you.
If they are aware
If your loved one has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder it hopefully means you can have a more open dialogue regarding their triggers, symptoms, and needs. I think one of the more important things I can impart to someone seeking understanding of their loved one is that the accompanying behaviour for anxiety is not, for the most part, conscious, or willful. If anything, we can be painfully aware of how we are projecting ourselves to the world, and it can often causes feelings of shame, and worthlessness. We can feel hard to love, and feel unworthy of care, and affection.
Panic attacks often come on suddenly, and often without warning. If we are highly in tune with how we are feeling we might notice the subtle symptoms of an oncoming attack. Other times, it is as if the wind has been completely knocked out of us, and we are at mercy to our anxiety. Having support by our side can mean our come down time is much shorter.
If we are having a panic attack and you are aware of the signs, the following is useful:
- Reassurance using a calm voice.
- Asking us what our greatest fear is at the moment.
- Actively listening.
- Help administer any medication (if needed).
- Get us to a place we feel safe. Take us out of a crowd.
- Help us to refocus.
With everyday anxiety, it is more subtle. It might seem at times we are introverted, cautious, and unpredictable with our emotions. I often find I go into self-preservation mode when I am feeling anxious. I become quiet, and withdrawn. Which is jarring for some as I am usually quite friendly, kind, and open. I know if I engage with people when I'm anxious, it might be like poking a bear. I keep to myself. Nothing is wrong, we might say when asked. A forced cheerfulness to our tone. A catch all phrase we use when everything seems wrong, but we are too embarrassed to admit that our thinking has taken a dark turn. We tend to over analyze every aspect of our lives. It really is not an exaggeration that something we said five years ago might come back to haunt us, and make us question our actions, our words, and make us worry about something that truly became insignificant five minutes after the words left our lips.
Most people with anxiety need time alone. Our mental hamster wheels often mean we need time to decompress, and recharge before we face the world again. We can be found wrapped in a blanket, listening to music, completely zoned out. Running to clear our heads. Connecting to our soul self in meditation. Working it out on a yoga mat. These are healthy ways to cope and recharge. Even a Netflix binge is healthy at times.
Unfortunately, we can often turn to unhealthy ways to cope. This is especially true for those who are undiagnosed, and if there is depression associated with the anxiety disorder. Substance abuse, drinking, binge eating feelings, obsessive behaviour - cleaning, counting, organizing, etc. It all stems from either trying to calm the beast, or appease our need to be in control.
When we are anxious, it feels like we are lacking the control that makes us feel safe. This does not mean we want to control you, or other people.
It means that controlling our surroundings gives us a sense of security. If your loved one is participating in unhealthy coping behaviour, I would suggest it needs to be addressed, and again, from a place of love. There are many healthy ways for us to cope, and that steering us from the bad with our best interests in mind is helping us perform the self-love we might not be able to in that moment. Suggest a cozy chat over a hot cup of tea. A walk during twilight, when the world is quiet, and the pace is slow. A warm hug. Something that will make us feel safe, but also get us back into a good headspace.
When we are anxious, it feels like we are lacking the control that makes us feel safe. This does not mean we want to control you, or other people.
It means that controlling our surroundings gives us a sense of security. If your loved one is participating in unhealthy coping behaviour, I would suggest it needs to be addressed, and again, from a place of love. There are many healthy ways for us to cope, and that steering us from the bad with our best interests in mind is helping us perform the self-love we might not be able to in that moment. Suggest a cozy chat over a hot cup of tea. A walk during twilight, when the world is quiet, and the pace is slow. A warm hug. Something that will make us feel safe, but also get us back into a good headspace.
As many people with anxiety like order to stay calm, we may wish in our hearts to be spontaneous, and on good days we can be, I know I certainly have been, on many occasions! On bad days not so much. If we seem grumpy when plans change, it is because we are anxious that we had talked ourselves through the steps of the day. We are always worried about the "what ifs".
The what ifs might be completely irrational, and nonsensical, but our brain tricks us into thinking they are real concerns. One of my favourite poets, Shel Silverstein, perfectly illustrates the flow of the questioning game our minds can play in his poem, "Whatif".
The what ifs might be completely irrational, and nonsensical, but our brain tricks us into thinking they are real concerns. One of my favourite poets, Shel Silverstein, perfectly illustrates the flow of the questioning game our minds can play in his poem, "Whatif".
Oddly enough, only having a few weeks to plan my wedding was in my benefit. I think if I had a year to plan my wedding, I would have been bogged down in the idea of perfection. Perfect seating plan, perfect dress, perfect venue, perfect music choices, perfect everything. It was a good lesson for me to have to make pretty snap decisions. Luckily, the universe shined stars down upon us, and with the help of some loved ones, all the things fell into place almost magically. It was perfect because it was the most special day, not because I had time to make it "perfect". I have found the more time I have to think about something often the more anxious I become. Test results, appointments, interviews, waiting for news, a difficult conversation, and and upcoming trip for example. In situations where I have to wait, it means I have more time for the hamster wheel to spin out of control. My mother always quipped, from a place of love of course, that I was the most impatient person she'd ever known. I am not impatient with people; I am quite patient with people actually. I am impatient with the idea of time, and the worry time brings me.
Anticipation, and anxiety are two similar, but very different, feelings. This might seem contradictory to not liking spontaneity if it happens in the present, but that is often because if we feel forced to go outside of our comfort zone there is a real chance of a tailspin into a panic attack. It is a hard balance, and we realize it: neither too little, or too much time is healthy for us. It often helps if we are the ones who make the spontaneous decisions.
Have you ever seen Nicole Kidman describe her best birthday surprise, and her worst birthday surprise? This is a wonderful example of a partner who does NOT understand their loved one, and puts their own desires first, versus someone who perfectly understands their loved one with anxiety.
We may seem needy at times, asking for reassurance. Do you still love me? Do you still like me? Sometimes when we lose control over our thoughts, and we start to doubt those around us. We do not mean to, and it is not the same as someone who is manipulative, or passive aggressive.
This is where we start to wonder why you stick around. Why you put up with us, and it is because we deserve love too. Everyone has faults, and everyone has qualities that make them lovable, and worthy of love. We can be kind, sensitive people full of empathy. We are absorbing energy all the time, but we try to be giving, and kind, and loving. We know how harsh the world can feel, so at least for me, I try to make the world a safe place for other people. I remember when I'd be applying for jobs as a librarian, I often used the language of "making the library a safe place" in my cover letter.
Everyone should have a safe place, in their mind, and in the physical world.
I think people with anxiety focus a lot on feeling safe, and often to their detriment, but helping us to feel safe, and coaxing us out of our comfort zones can be very rewarding. As long as we always have a safe place to retreat to when it is needed. Imagine if Gandalf had never convinced Bilbo Baggins to leave the Shire? He may never have accessed his great courage, resourcefulness, or sense of adventure. Even people with anxiety need to venture healthily outside of their safe zones every once in a while. Often we need to do it through no choice of our own, but when we do have the choice, having the company of loved ones goes a long way.
Everyone should have a safe place, in their mind, and in the physical world.
I think people with anxiety focus a lot on feeling safe, and often to their detriment, but helping us to feel safe, and coaxing us out of our comfort zones can be very rewarding. As long as we always have a safe place to retreat to when it is needed. Imagine if Gandalf had never convinced Bilbo Baggins to leave the Shire? He may never have accessed his great courage, resourcefulness, or sense of adventure. Even people with anxiety need to venture healthily outside of their safe zones every once in a while. Often we need to do it through no choice of our own, but when we do have the choice, having the company of loved ones goes a long way.
It is okay to be frustrated
It is okay to be frustrated as our loved one. Sometimes we can be the most amazing person to have in your life, and sometimes we need extra TLC. It is okay to be bewildered by our behaviour, and actions. To wonder why the idea of what seems like and every day occurrence, and situation, may be overwhelming for us is perfectly normal. They are usually the most random for us. I feel pretty brave at many of the things in my life I have tackled head on, without fear. Things that might break other people. Then the little things give me anxiety. Having someone show up to my house unexpectedly? Yes, silly, but it gives me anxiety. It feels like an invasion in my safe place.
That said, I want to say that I feel we are strong people. We may seem weak, or feeble when our anxiety gets the better of us, and we fall down. But we get back up, we keep on fighting, we keep finding ways to cope so that we can embrace, and enjoy every last drop life has to offer us. Please never treat us like we are weak, or lesser. Do not treat us like we need to be coddled.
It may not be easy, but most of us try very hard to not let anxiety get in the way of living. Sometimes it does, and we become human burritos, holed up in our safe cocoons. Other times we are life warriors, facing things head on.
It may not be easy, but most of us try very hard to not let anxiety get in the way of living. Sometimes it does, and we become human burritos, holed up in our safe cocoons. Other times we are life warriors, facing things head on.
Take care of you
We know that is can be frustrating, but what matters is that we are trying. It important that those who have anxiety not fall into the role of being the victim. It can be dangerous. Using anxiety to be self-centred, or self-serving is horrible. Conversations that centre around, "my life is worse than yours because" are not healthy for anyone. I don't think most people with anxiety intentionally play victims, but that does not mean they cannot be negative, and toxic people either. Toxic people come from all walks of life. It is important to spot, and know the difference. Feeling drained by someone when they are going through a dark period in their life, or even a bad day is one thing. Feeling drained with every encounter you make with the person is a signal the relationship might be toxic. Good days, or bad days. I hope what I have said here does not give someone anxiety that they are being a victim, or being too needy. Truthfully, if you worry about this, the answer is you probably are not playing the victim.
On the flip-side, if you are prefer decisive, assertive, self-assured people, being in a romantic relationship with someone who has an anxiety disorder might not be in either parties best interest. We want to have our guards down when we are home with you. We are not always indecisive, quiet, or needing of reassurance, but we want to be able to feel safe expressing this side of us when it arises.
I have danced, sung, acted, performed, and talked to auditoriums full of people, and not broken a sweat. Stage fright is not really something that falls under things that cause anxiety for me. It may be for someone who completely does not identify with having anxiety. It does not mean we are all passive, indecisive people. Anxiety is simply one part of who we are, not a mold we fit inside, that defines our every characteristic, or personality trait.
I simply mean that you also need to know what your needs are in a relationship, and what your own limitations are as a person. If you are impatient with others, and insensitive, perhaps another indication of a mismatch. People who "don't have time" to deal with other people's "problems", and anxious people are not a good match.
Just as your loved one is trying their best, you must be willing to do so as well. You must be also able to see all the wonderful, amazing qualities your loved ones has, and not just their anxiety. If that is all you can see, that is definitely a bad sign as well.
Self-awareness is key. Remember that for your loved one, trying on bad days may be as simple as just breathing. Trying on good days is seizing the day. If someone gives up, they can go to a dark, lonely place. Having support from loved ones can make all the difference. Even if you sit quietly with them in the dark place for a while.
On the flip-side, if you are prefer decisive, assertive, self-assured people, being in a romantic relationship with someone who has an anxiety disorder might not be in either parties best interest. We want to have our guards down when we are home with you. We are not always indecisive, quiet, or needing of reassurance, but we want to be able to feel safe expressing this side of us when it arises.
I have danced, sung, acted, performed, and talked to auditoriums full of people, and not broken a sweat. Stage fright is not really something that falls under things that cause anxiety for me. It may be for someone who completely does not identify with having anxiety. It does not mean we are all passive, indecisive people. Anxiety is simply one part of who we are, not a mold we fit inside, that defines our every characteristic, or personality trait.
I simply mean that you also need to know what your needs are in a relationship, and what your own limitations are as a person. If you are impatient with others, and insensitive, perhaps another indication of a mismatch. People who "don't have time" to deal with other people's "problems", and anxious people are not a good match.
Just as your loved one is trying their best, you must be willing to do so as well. You must be also able to see all the wonderful, amazing qualities your loved ones has, and not just their anxiety. If that is all you can see, that is definitely a bad sign as well.
Self-awareness is key. Remember that for your loved one, trying on bad days may be as simple as just breathing. Trying on good days is seizing the day. If someone gives up, they can go to a dark, lonely place. Having support from loved ones can make all the difference. Even if you sit quietly with them in the dark place for a while.
You are a priority
An important thing to note is that you have to be your own priority. Anxiety is no excuse for being abused verbally, or physically. You should not feel hostage in a relationship with someone. You should not be in a constant state of worrying how the person will react. As much as I am asking you to be kind, and loving, and understanding, I am also asking you to set boundaries. Not everyone with anxiety is an angel, and not every erratic behaviour can be blamed on our diagnosis. It is never an excuse to be unhappy, to feel unloved, or to stay because you feel guilty. You should feel loved, and appreciated.
Honest communication goes a long way. If you can have a dialogue with your loved one about how they feel, and how you feel, you can move forward together. Once I was able to be more open, and honest, not only with my loved ones, and with myself about my anxiety, I felt it made my ties stronger. I understood myself better, and had the vocabulary and tools needed to share with those who are closest with me.
People with Anxiety are worthy, lovable people
People with anxiety are often afraid of loss. They are afraid you are going to leave them. Even if you love them with all your might. It is not about trust, it is fear based. It is worth fighting for the first few months of them second guessing things, because once we are in a safe place with you. Wow. That kind of love? We love unbelievably hard, and true. Most of us do not take it for granted. We appreciate those who support us, but more so those that love us just the way we are: right now. In romantic relationships, to feel that connection with someone, and to feel that we can be our true selves is magical to us, and a gift.
We are more than our anxiety, and we have so much more to offer those who love us. Be patient, as the rewards are manifold.
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